A Feminist Confession: Men Are Good
Despite my full-hearted idealistic belief in love...I might also have one of the most cynical opinions of men. I believe men are good humans worthy of all the love and respect; however, I also believe that most of them are...ehm, idiots.
I don't want to believe this perfectly logical generalization about half of the world. The thought actually pains me, because in all honesty, I don’t blame men. It's just that I can see, hear, and feel their unhealthy masculine conditioning pumping unwaveringly through their veins - manifesting itself into fear, anger, and avoidance in highly aggressive and repressive manners. And as a woman, I see how that masculine conditioning not only affects me, but is infused into how I operate too.
It makes me wonder about the relationship between women and men. How can we move past the fear, anger and avoidance to better mind the gap between our feminine and masculine minds? How can we balance our feminine and masculine energies to cultivate a stronger sense of love and respect for all of us?
LOVE $#!&% SHMOVE
After my last relationship crashed and burned - in Paris of all places - I felt this strong need to understand the male mind. What I thought was a small and solvable argument became a massive mountain of miscommunication, and within 72 hours what was once a romantical getaway had become a silently solo situation. I was confused, hurt and angry. He was too. When I tried to speak to him, I was met with aggression. When he tried to speak to me, I got pretty effin’ Jersey (read: BITCH) on him. By the time we landed back in our homeland, I was broken, disconnected, and wondering WTF had happened.
After the reality of this fouled up fantasy settled in, my heart broke open enough to realize that his emotional shutdown wasn’t only to blame - I was also relationshipping with fear, anger and avoidance - too unable, scared and stubborn to communicate my thoughts.
After LOTS of introspection with a side of coaching, I began to understand my own toxic relationship patterns. Just like my emotionally stunted ex, I, too, was acting with an overpowering sense of masculine energy. My partner was just a reflection of my own fear, anger and avoidance. We were both scared, we were both angry, we were both blocked - and we were both acting like idiots.
Treading in emotional distress, I realized how stubborn, mean, and closed off I could be towards men. I was a champion at making them feel unwanted, insecure, and unappreciated. But this wasn’t who I wanted to be in a relationship, or the kind of relationship I wanted at all. I wanted warmth, affection, openness, compassion, trust and understanding. I wanted endless conversation, constant growth and sincere commitment.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEE?
I was curious (and tired) of my own fear, anger and avoidance - and I wanted to dig into why it was ever present within myself, and perhaps learn more about how to crack into the male mind. So I set out to create a new kind of narrative for myself - one in which I explored my feelings of discomfort around men and attempted to find my safe and familiar footing around them.
As a self-analyzer extraordinaire, I moved forward focusing on my every encounter with “the other gender.” From a connecting eye gaze to a quick coffee shop conversation to a week of camping in the desert: I paid attention to what came up for me, from my feelings, to my body sensations, to my thoughts. I paid attention to what triggered me to feel safe or shame, anger or fear. I went to various workshops, I wrote, I retreated.
A NEW PERSPECTIVE
After one specific womb workshop at the Red Tent Retreat, I realized how disconnected I was from my own feminine side. Sure, parts of me are super-feminine, and yes, I have a womb, but I had never learned to connect to her, to understand her power, to tap into her intuitive essence.
I was so used to operating in a man's world, that I acted “like a man'” in my relationships, in my work, in my life. I was emotionally disconnected, scared AF, and man-eating my way through the droves of idiots who lived in a stagnate state of 21st century caveman, still focused on hunting - this time for power, sex, money, food, and a good ol’ fashioned fight.
As women, men, or wherever you fall in between, we all have masculine and feminine pieces of ourselves. The key is becoming aware of those pieces, how and when we use them, and understanding how to better balance all of our pieces so that we can feel like the most whole version of ourselves.
Since my own realization surfaced, I’ve made efforts to learn, grow, and break the patterns which no longer suit me or the kinds of relationships I want to have. Now that I'm more aware of my masculine triggers and behaviors, I know when I need to tap into my feminine side to connect with the same softness, compassion, and warmth I desire, in any kind of relationship. Of course it’s not always easy or possible; but the simple awareness has helped me communicate in a more effective manner, and helped me feel more secure as myself in any given relationship.
In many of my recent mencounters, I've realized, sadly, that many men seem stuck inside themselves, unable to communicate, share, or evolve to accept themselves or others. They are still living with deep fear, anger, and avoidance. And likely with reason - because most of them haven't had the support, space, or opportunity to connect with their feminine side in a safe and comfortable way.
THE MEN OF MIDBURN
It wasn't until I went to Midburn this past year that a big shift occurred and my perspective finally unpeeled a new, and hopeful, reality. Midburn is like the Burning Man of Israel, a week-long experience where thousands of dedicated hearts build a new kind of city, home, and community in the desert based on 10 principles. My first two years at Midburn, I had gone as a free bird (if I'm channeling my F), or a lone wolf (If I'm channeling my M). Either way, I went on my own, camped on my own and experienced it on my own.
This past year, I joined a camp for the first time, and met an incredible group of humans along the way - including many man souls who not only supported and cared for the camps and community, but were open, authentic, and to the best of their ability, created a safe space to call home amidst the deep and dusty desert.
So where was the s