So, I have a little confession to make.
I am a woman in my mid-twenties and I have never been in a relationship.
That little fact shouldn’t be a huge deal and I know that from a greater perspective, it isn’t. We’re all travelling our different paths at different paces and it’s perfectly legitimate to have not experienced – and not even want – a romantic relationship.
But if I’m being honest, the fact that I’ve reached my mid-twenties without having ever experienced a committed romantic relationship, is annoyingly bothersome to me.
For a long time, there was a very good reason - I had a big fear of intimacy that made it impossible for me to be vulnerable with another person and let them into my inner world.
But now that I no longer have this fear and I crave the intimacy and bond shared between two romantic partners, I admittedly feel a bit miffed that I still haven’t experienced a romantic relationship.
Over a year and a half ago, I sat down to meditate on my love life, or lack thereof, and how I could end up feeling satisfied and fulfilled in that department.
What I could sense was that over the course of the next year or two, there would be a lot of love coming into my life and with that feeling, came instructions on how to best accept and receive that love into my life. As a young woman who was never good at self-love, I was now being invited to become an expert on the topic.
And so, I practiced.
I learned to love my flaws, my mistakes and my poor choices. I learned to love my unique journey and how different it might be to others. I learned to love my past experiences and how they’ve helped or hindered me in this department. And I learned to officially love everything that I had to offer to a potential partner.
Somewhere along the way, I made the impulsive decision to join a dating app, something that I never believed I do.
I started talking to young women in my area, getting to know them and practicing my somewhat awkward social skills in the romance department. Although it felt like a big learning curve for me, it was surprisingly quite fun!
Over the course of a year, with each new woman I’d get to know, I would feel a deeper connection and chemistry than with the last. We would meet in person, go on a few dates and a few beginner feelings would form - only to be crushed by the demise of our potential relationship.
After yet another ‘failed’ attempt at manifesting a romantic relationship into my life, I started feeling discouraged that I’ll ever get to experience a loving, committed relationship with a partner.
For a while, I was really bummed. But then I gradually started remembering that meditation session from over a year and a half ago.
I remembered how I asked for fulfilling love to enter my life and how I realised that I’d need to practice self-love in order to receive it.
Looking back, I can see my progress and I know that I’ve become much better at practicing self-love.
But all I could think of was, “Where’s my future romantic partner? Why am I still single after having done all this work on myself?!”
I’m admittedly still figuring out the answer to that one, but I did realise something monumental.
Just because I’m not in a romantic relationship, doesn’t mean that I don’t have overwhelming amounts of love in my life.
Ever since my journey of self-love began, my life has filled with tremendous amounts of heart-warming, satisfying love.
My relationship with my sisters and friends has solidified and developed into an unshakable support system. I’ve become a part of communities where unconditional love flows freely and support and acceptance is always on offer, even for newcomers. I’m studying for a degree I’m truly passionate about and I’m itching to begin my career that is my life purpose. And I’m in love with my class at school where I know that I’m supported, safe and surrounded by genuine, deep love.
So, although I’ve yet to experience love in the form of my first official romantic relationship, I’m joyfully leading an overwhelmingly, love-filled life.
When it comes to experiencing love in my life, I’ve truly hit the jackpot.
By: Ella Capek
Ella is a British-Israeli in her early 20’s studying to eventually become a music therapist. On the side, she writes on her blog Wide-Eyed Wanderer, where she's been sharing her travel experiences for 3 years. Her hope is to continue doing everything that she loves in the realms of music, writing & travel, while also consuming as much green tea and brownies as possible.