Breaking up is hard to do. For some women, a breakup can cause feelings of being emotionally stuck in the same place for years. Although our rationale tells us we should move on, it feels so hard!
As a relationship coach, I get several women clients who are unable to move beyond a painful break-up and here are 5 ways I encourage all wonderful women to deal with it.
1. Accept that it happened
This is the hardest part. It really is.
It is a natural protective instinct of the mind to deny the existence of a painful event. We feel so afraid of feeling the pain that we try to deny it even exists.
You don´t want to do this. You must face and accept the truth. You must release and cry. You must be honest with yourself.
The sooner you embrace the truth, the faster you will be back on the road to recovery and personal healing.
2. Take your time before entering new relationships
Breakups can turn our lives upside down.
A whole gamut of unpleasant emotions surfaces all of a sudden and leaves us feeling “less than”, rejected, not good enough, not worthy enough and so very lonely. These feelings can overwhelm us, and very often cause us to seek an 'emotional quick fix.” This emotional quick fix very often presents itself....dum dum dum...in the form of a man - and a man who is willing to give us temporary feelings of approval while we are vulnerable.
Instead of the quick fix, I advise women to just “sit with their loneliness,” and to be brave in the face of any unpleasant emotions in order to actually feel them - as opposed to running away and escaping them. In my experience, and this differs case-by-case, but it can take anywhere between 6-10 months , and sometimes up to 2 years to truly get over a painful break up.
Yet you must stay very honest with yourself and allow yourself all the time you need to heal before you jump into something new and bring the baggage of unresolved emotions into a new relationship.
3. Seek support of friends, family and coaches
We're all humans. We´ve all been through the same type of pain in one way or another. It's crucial to seek support from your loved ones without hesitation and shame. Allow them to give you a shoulder to cry on. Ask them to just listen. Talk through whatever you need to.
If you still feel stuck after a year, I strongly advise seeking professional help through coaches and counsellors. We all have a part of “self-sabotage” in us where we know rationally that we need to change something and yet we can´t bring ourselves to do it. This is where professional help can really spur you forward and open your mind to get over your self-defeating patterns and feelings.
4. Love yourself and your life
Breakups bring negative emotions to the forefront, and even if just temporarily, can make us feel that life has lost all meaning. Sometimes we swing with the extremes, and we either want to give up and stay home in pajamas all day (or week or month) or we want to run out and find a quick fix.
What we need to do is find that fantastic balance between the two extremes, and focus on loving ourselves and our own life. What does that mean?
It means channeling all that sadness, anger, and disappointment within you into something good for you. It means getting really, really busy doing things that make you smile- that make your soul sing, that light up your face, that you simply love to do.
If you can get sparked to concentrate on ambitious goals, do it! Though as a general principle, I suggest an immersion of the more creative kind. Take an art class, a dance class, or learn a new language. Do anything and everything that makes you feel connected with your happy energy again, and bring back your own sense of worthiness and happiness, without your partner.
5. Learn the lesson and self-reflect
Every person who enters our life can teach us something.
Though somebreakups are painful beyond belief, every relationship serves our personal growth tremendously - if only we take the opportunity and grow from it. A little self-reflection can go a long way in helping us not repeat our defeating patterns or bad relationship habits and prevent them from damaging whatever we do moving forward.
On an end note, human emotions are complex and these 5 tips by no means covers the whole spectrum of what we women experience through a painful breakup. However, it's a good start to moving forward and owning your life again when everything seems blurry.
Little signs can sometimes be all that we need on a very dark night to help us move forward in the right direction.
India / Germany; Living in Paris now
Loves happy women, sky blue beaches, spicy Indian food, travelling and my hubby´s kisses